From Toddlers to Teens: Understanding Behavior, Brain Development, and Breaking Cycles
- Julie Tennant
- Jun 5
- 5 min read
From Toddlers to Teens: Understanding Behavior, Brain Development, and Breaking Cycles
As homeschooling parents, we spend a lot of time with our kids. We see the full spectrum—joy, frustration, big questions, meltdowns, breakthroughs. And through it all, we try to teach them not just reading and math, but how to be good humans. But to do that well, we need to understand what's actually going on beneath the surface. That means looking at how the brain develops, how early experiences shape behavior, and how we—whether we're parenting toddlers or teens—can break old cycles and build something better.
The Developing Brain: It’s Not Done at 18
It’s a common myth that the brain is fully developed by the time someone hits 18. In reality, research shows that the human brain continues to develop well into the mid-to-late twenties—and for some, even into the early thirties.
The part of the brain that finishes last is the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for impulse control, decision-making, long-term planning, and empathy. That’s why teenagers—though smart and articulate—can still be impulsive, reactive, or emotionally intense. Their brains are wired for experimentation and risk, not restraint.
"Emotional regulation and self-control are tied to the gradual maturation of prefrontal brain systems." (Casey et al., 2005)
"MRI studies confirm that the human brain continues structural development well into the mid-to-late 20s." (Giedd et al., 1999)
This doesn’t mean teens aren’t responsible for their actions, but it does mean we need to hold space for their development. They’re in a gray zone—no longer children, not yet fully neurologically adult.
Why Young Children Can’t Abuse Their Parents
Young children (think toddlers to about age 9 or 10) can absolutely be challenging, but they cannot abuse their parents in the clinical sense. Abuse implies sustained, intentional harm for the purpose of control or punishment. Small children simply don’t have the moral or neurological capacity for that.
When a young child hits, bites, screams, or acts out, it’s almost always a signal—a sign of overwhelm, unmet needs, or a lack of tools to express what they’re feeling. Their behavior isn’t malicious. It’s primitive communication.
"Young children’s brains are still 'under construction,' and they need adults to help integrate emotional and rational responses." (Siegel & Bryson, 2011)
Our role as parents isn’t to punish this behavior, but to interpret it, teach through it, and model emotional regulation. That’s how they learn.
Early Environment Shapes Later Behavior
The behaviors we see in teens—especially difficult or aggressive ones—often have their roots in early childhood. A child who grows up in an emotionally unsafe, chaotic, or harsh environment may not show major issues at first. But as their brain matures and they begin asserting independence, those early wounds often surface.
Homes dominated by authoritarian parenting—high control, low warmth—often produce teens who are either compliant and anxious or rebellious and angry. These parenting styles teach kids to fear punishment rather than understand boundaries.
In contrast, authoritative parenting—firm but warm, structured but empathetic—is consistently linked to emotionally healthy, self-regulating teens.
"Authoritative parenting is consistently linked to better developmental outcomes than authoritarian or permissive styles." (Baumrind, 1991)
Children need emotional safety and consistency. When they have it, they’re far more likely to become teens who can navigate strong emotions without acting out or harming others.
What Happens When Teens Act Out
When a teen becomes aggressive, controlling, or emotionally volatile, it may look like abuse. And in some cases, it is. Teenagers can absolutely cause real harm—to siblings, parents, or themselves. But it’s crucial to ask: Where is this coming from?
Often, this behavior is a reaction—to trauma, to chronic invalidation, to unmet emotional needs. Teens who act out may be repeating what they’ve lived through. They may be trying to reclaim control in a dynamic where they’ve felt powerless. They may be flooded with emotion and not know what to do with it.
"Adolescents need scaffolding, not control." (Siegel, 2013)
The goal isn’t to excuse harmful behavior. It’s to understand it well enough to intervene with wisdom instead of just reaction. Boundaries are essential. Accountability matters. But so does compassion.
"Teens respond better to connection and dialogue than to punishment alone." (Wachtel, 2013)
Breaking Generational Cycles
Many of us are raising children while still healing from our own childhoods. Maybe we were raised in homes where obedience was expected without explanation. Maybe our emotions weren’t met with empathy, or our behavior was punished without curiosity.
The good news? Homeschooling gives us a chance to do it differently. To raise kids who aren’t just academically equipped, but emotionally wise. We get to be present for the hard questions, the meltdowns, the conflicts—and we get to show our kids what repair looks like.
This doesn’t mean perfection. It means awareness. It means choosing connection over control, curiosity over punishment, and long-term healing over short-term compliance.
"When we choose compassion over control, we don't just raise better kids. We become better ancestors."
Final Thoughts
Whether your child is three or thirteen, their behavior is telling a story. Sometimes it’s a story about what they need from us. Sometimes it’s a reflection of what we’ve taught them—intentionally or not. And sometimes, it’s a call for us to pause, to heal, and to reimagine what parenting can be.
Parenting can be hard. Homeschooling adds layers to that. But it also gives us a gift: the chance to build something healthier, wiser, and more whole than what came before.
And parenting isn't only ever hard, it is also the most incredible, fulfilling, wonderful gift of a life time.
Parenting with the end in mind is worth it, every time. We aren't just parenting for the here and now-- we're parenting the future child adult.
Go hug your babies.
References:
Casey, B. J., et al. (2005). Structural and functional brain development and its relation to cognitive development. Biological Psychology.
Giedd, J. N., et al. (1999). Brain development during childhood and adolescence: A longitudinal MRI study. Nature Neuroscience.
Steinberg, L. (2008). A social neuroscience perspective on adolescent risk-taking. Developmental Review.
Siegel, D. J. & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child.
Harvard Center on the Developing Child (2023). Brain Architecture.
Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. The Journal of Early Adolescence.
Perry, B. D. & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score.
Siegel, D. J. (2013). Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain.
Wachtel, T. (2013). Defining Restorative.
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